so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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