i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
