My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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