I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
