So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
