listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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