life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
