he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
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