His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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