No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
this beer tastes like vomit already
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
