fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
