I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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