Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
