dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
