So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You were trust falling into bushes
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize