I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
