Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
