True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
