I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize