M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
