True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
