I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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