We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
