I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
