Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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