I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
