he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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