You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
