i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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