Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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