Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
