i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
