we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
