You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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