I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
