i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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