There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize