My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
