My cat gives me a boner
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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