so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
