Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so let's talk penis.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
