i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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