your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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