your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
