im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
