bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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