I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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