well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
