I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
