She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize