He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
