I can tuck mytits in my pants
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize