take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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