Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
