lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
