so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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